Thursday 1 June 2017

CHARLIE FLYNN






When Harper was born I kept waiting for that lightening bolt moment. That 'instant bond' that all parents talk about when they see their child for the first time... that instant connection between mother and baby that changes your life forever. I waited a year and a half for this moment to hit me with my first child, 6 months of that time to realise that it was post natal depression holding me back from bonding with my baby not some kind of defect in me as a mother. 

Society tells us that all women are born to be mothers, we love our children no matter what and all the sacrifices we make are just part of the wonderful journey of our little #miracle. I'm pretty sure I said I hate my baby at least every day in those first few months and I constantly had thoughts of "What have I done! I had a good life before this!" I cried every day but on the outside I acted like the perfect mother I thought everyone expected of me. My husband and I fought every single night, I even threatened to leave him, going as far as packing my bags, but when we were around our friends we acted like our marriage was perfect and we were totally acing this whole parenting thing. 

Little did I know that I was part of the problem! Women like me that acted like I was ok and put on the 'perfect mum mask' were the reason why it took me a year and a half to heal and actually bond with Harper. It took the first year and a half of Harpers life for me to finally realise that perfect mums are only highlight reels on instagram and most of us cry in the shower every now and then. 

I still find it bizarre that more women don't warn you about how hard it is. Surely even those super maternal mums that make their own organic baby food have days where they just want to leave their baby in a room and go have coffee somewhere for an hour. Why do women not talk about it? Like really talk about it, not just fluff over it saying things like 'haha oh yes I suppose I'm tired but its all worth it to have my little angel here...' Why don't we get real with each other and give a heads up that you won't sleep for the first 2 months (at all), your nipples will hurt so much that just putting on your bra will hurt, your vagina looks like a smashed taco and if like me and you got haemorrhoids you will have a bunch of grapes hanging out our asshole for the next month! 

But... all that said.... I did finally experience that 'oh my god I couldn't love you more' moment when I gave birth to my little girl Charlie Flynn 3 weeks ago. As soon as she was out I grabbed her, put her to my chest and told her I loved her over and over again. And I actually did, I was besotted. 

It could be that its 3.5 years on since having Harper so maybe I was more ready to have a baby, it could be because I had since learnt to bond with Harper so it was easier this time to recognise those feelings or it could be the fact that this time there was no bullshit. This time there were no illusions going in thinking this 'instant bond' would mean that all the hard stuff that comes along with birth and those first few weeks don't matter. 

This time I did have that 'instant bond' but that in no way took away from the fact that my vagina had been torn in two places and a doctor was stitching me up while I attempted to breast feed for the first time. The 'instant bond' didn't take away from that first night at home where it was just me and my husband, absolutely scared shitless, changing nappies full of black poo having no concept of day or night. It didn't take away from the following weeks of juggling a toddler and a new born and making sure I kept her alive without neglecting my 3 year old and make him feel rejected. It hasn't taken away from the fact that my husband and I just try and survive getting through the days and haven't even as much kissed on the lips since she was born. 

My two experiences with my kids could not have ben more different... Harper was an amazing pregnancy where as with Charlie I was hospitalised with severe vomiting. Harper was a horrendous birth with 3rd degree tearing and a blood transfusion where as Charlie was (still effing hard work) but so much more controlled and there were minimal injuries. My body bounced back by the time I left the hospital with Harper where as Charlie I put on more weight than I care to share and I have a lot of work to do before I will feel confident with my body again. And Harper I didn't bond with until after I reached out for help with my PND but with Charlie I can't stop staring at her and kissing her pouty little lips. 

I've learnt a lot since having kids, I don't think you can ever be prepared for how much it changes your life and continues to change and challenge you every single day. I have learnt to be more patient, I have learnt to ask for help and I have learnt to take advantage of the red wine sales at BWS! The biggest thing I have learnt is that no parent is perfect and no mum doesn't have a day where they think they are failing. We all have days where we high five ourselves and share a beautiful picture on instagram to show off that moment and we all have days where we don't leave the house and throw our kids at our husbands as soon as they walk through the door at 6pm (wine already breathing on the kitchen counter). Some parents co-sleep, some control cry. Some mothers breast feed for 18 months and some switch to formula after 1 month. There is no right or wrong and no matter what we do its god dam hard work... regardless of that 'instant bond' moment. 

Danielle
xxx


2 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for your honest words! And thank you so much for not saying how a mother have to feed her baby! I had so much discussions about it and its so healing to read an article which ends with "it doesn´t matter how you feed your child". :) I ran out of milk supply and had to go with formula. Decided to go with organic formula from organicbaby.la/hipp. At least the best I can do and no discussion worth it. :)
    I wish you a great time with your young family, you are amazing! :)

    Sam

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  2. This is a great article, thanks for that! I have just one child and struggled a lot with breastfeeding. After 5 months I had to supplement with formula and chose the one from Holle. I had to disguss a lot about my feeding. I am glad there are women like you, who speak about their experiences in public. I think you have an important impact on the discussion about infant feeding. All thumbs up!

    Maris

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